The highs
Everyone has days when they’re feeling on top of the world: energetic, vibrant, enthusiastic, productive, “Walking on Sunshine” playing in your head as you skip into the lab, a pep in your step. Now crank that up to 11, and that’s what a manic episode feels like. If you’ve never had a manic episode, well, it’s kind of like being on meth (so I hear, anyway). You feel like you can achieve anything. You feel uncontainable. Working for hours on end feel like no big deal - in fact, who even needs sleep? Not you. It isn’t just productivity, either. You also feel so inspired and creative. Nothing seems beyond your reach, and every moment feels like an “aha” moment.
However, even these golden moments are not without their downsides. During a manic episode, when you feel like you’re soaring on the winds, it can be all too easy to fly too close to the sun. Being manic can lead you to dispense with appropriate prudence or caution - not exactly an ideal tendency for a field that’s as exacting or meticulous as research. A huge component of being a researcher is listening and responding to criticism - something to which being in the grip of a manic episode can make you deaf.
As much as manic episodes can provide you with drive and energy, they can also make it hard to focus; rather than diligently working on something and seeing it to completion, you may instead find yourself randomly flitting from one activity or project to the next, each one seeming grander, more brilliant, and more vital than the next.
And needless to say, while it may not feel like it, your body and mind do have limits, and pushing past them without rest or sleep eventually takes its toll. And what a toll it takes. But, for as much as BPD gives, it takes so much more. And all too soon, the time comes to pay the piper…
The lows
As high as the highs of bipolar can be, the lows can feel so much deeper, so much more profoundly abyssal. Depressive episodes leave you feeling drained, empty, and exhausted. There will be days when simply getting out of bed feels like a Herculean endeavor, let alone going into the lab and toiling away on the same thing you’ve been working on for the past month.
Depression can make the road ahead seem to stretch on for eternity, make your goals seem unreachable, and make even ‘trying’ seem pointless. Worst of all, in addition to siphoning your drive, depression robs you of your self-value. You feel pointless. You feel worthless. When you’re in the depths of depression, having the strength and determination to push through and make progress feels impossible.
Finding your balance
When things seem darkest, it’s imperative that you keep the faith. Know that; you can push through regardless of how you’re feeling. You will not be the first. Some of the greatest minds in art, literature, and music have been saddled with BPD (Johnson et al., 2012). BPD isn’t universally a curse. Even depressive episodes can be fuel for your creativity and insight. Don’t try to fight yourself. Lean into your strengths, accept your weaknesses, and learn how to use both towards achieving your goals. As Helen Keller so poignantly wrote, “Everything has its wonders, even darkness, and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.”
Just making it to where you have demonstrates that regardless of your limitations, you have what it takes to run the course. Know, too, that you don’t have to run it alone. In fact, one of the worst mistakes you can make is to try. Having a mental illness like BPD can make you feel isolated and vulnerable. To be sure, having a mental illness will be sure to expose you to those who will fail to treat you with understanding, consideration, or compassion.
But such individuals don’t need someone to have bipolar to look down on them. These people will look for any weakness they can find, and they aren’t worth your time. Everyone in academia feels isolated and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to reach out and seek the help you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.
