1. Beware of their charm
By far and away, the best strategy for dealing with a narcissist is to avoid them entirely. These individuals are toxic, and if you have to be around them, it’s no longer a question of being unharmed — it simply becomes a matter of limiting the damage you will take.
Unfortunately, narcissists are great at appearing charming and intriguing while reeling you in during the so-called “honeymoon” period. Narcissists will shower you with praise, making you feel special and even like a trusted confidant. However, once you are firmly under their tutelage, the mask will come off.
Use this to your advantage. Consult your colleagues, especially anyone who has been their student or worked with them before, and be wary if your PI tends to talk down about other people around you, particularly members of their own group. This is a huge red flag, and, rest assured, they will not hesitate to do the same to you behind your back.
If, however, through ignorance, lack of caution, or even despite your best efforts, you are tethered to a narcissistic PI, keep in mind the following tips for surviving them.
2. Tie their success to yours
Narcissists will not hesitate to tear you down when it suits them. If you can position yourself as a reflection of them, however, you can use their endless need for self-aggrandizement to your benefit. The trick is to for you frame yourself as their student, as a testament to their mentorship. To that end, whenever you’re around them…
3. Stroke their ego
Everyone loves to be praised and admired, but narcissists absolutely need it. So give them what they want. Always be sure to mention their accomplishments and strengths to others if they’re around. Always defer to their advice and thank them for it. Just… generally kiss their ass insofar as you can stomach it.
4. Check yours
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, there is, to quote Freddie Mercury, “only room… for one hysterical queen.” And when that narcissist is your PI, well, unfortunately, that crown will need to be ceded to them. No matter how hard you work, no matter how brilliant or insightful you are, it will always be second to them. You will need to become accustomed to the taste of your own pride because you will be swallowing it quite a lot. Just keep in mind, though, that their approval is just a means to your end. Do not let these sorts of people determine your own self-worth.
5. Never (directly) challenge them
Narcissists cannot accept any criticism, differences of opinion, or anything else that might even suggest that they are not perfection incarnate. Whatever you actually think of them, never let them get the sense that you don’t worship the ground on which they walk. You will gain nothing other than their resentment and disdain by challenging them, and in a confrontation with your PI, you will always be at a serious disadvantage.
6. Take their feedback with a grain of salt
Narcissists will look you in the eye and tell you that it’s raining while they’re pissing on your leg. You could work 80 hours a week, and they will tell you that, when they were a grad student, they did 100. Now, I’m not suggesting that you disregard everything they have to say. Even if your PI is a pompous, self-important windbag, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re inept. In fact, they might be quite knowledgeable and talented. But don’t let them make you feel inadequate or inferior, and recognize that, much of the time, when they’re touting their own virtues, they are, in fact, full of shit.
7. Seek other mentors (like, seriously)
As previously alluded, sometimes you need mentors other than your PI. When your PI is a narcissist, this is unambiguously, incontrovertibly the case. Narcissists take what they can and give nothing back. They cannot be relied on for emotional support, and they cannot be trusted - two things that you need in a mentor. Thus, you will need to find this elsewhere. You will need people in whom to confide your frustrations, and you may need people who are peers with your PI to go to bat for you when you find yourself in their crosshairs.
8. Document everything
Narcissists are liars and manipulators. Their promises and assurances should mean nothing to you because they are nothing to them other than a carrot to get you to do what they want. Whenever possible, get documentation of their instructions and promises to you. If, for example, they set a goal for you to obtain X number of publications before you are allowed to graduate, try to get that set in a written plan that’s signed off on by your thesis committee. If you are in their lab, make sure to have them sign your journal.
These are all things you should be doing anyway, but when it comes to having a narcissistic PI, these cannot be treated as formalities. On the contrary, documentation becomes absolutely essential.
To summarize, having a narcissist as a PI can get infuriating. Like, a lot. It is a situation best avoided, but if it can’t, there are ways to preserve your sanity and your career. Heed these tips, and you maximize your chances of doing so. Good luck.
